Aidpage

Another thing I would like to add here... many women stay in abusive situations because they have no self-esteem. They have been brainwashed to believe they cannot function without their partner. It takes an immense amount of strength and courage to put an end to the cycle of abuse.

the domestic violence hotline can help 1−800−799−SAFE(7233)

Am I Being Abused?

CHECKLIST (provided by the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence)

Look over the following questions. Think about how you are being treated and how you treat your partner. Remember, when one person scares, hurts or continually puts down the other person, it's abuse.

Does your partner…
____ Embarrass or make fun of you in front of your friends or family?
____ Put down your accomplishments or goals?
____ Make you feel like you are unable to make decisions?
____ Use intimidation or threats to gain compliance?
____ Tell you that you are nothing without them?
____ Treat you roughly - grab, push, pinch, shove or hit you?
____ Call, text, or email you several times a day or show up to make sure you are where you said you would be?
____ Use drugs or alcohol as an excuse for saying hurtful things or abusing you?
____ Blame you for how they feel or act?
____ Pressure you sexually for things you don't want to do?
____ Make you feel like there "is no way out" of the relationship?
____ Prevent you from doing things you want - like spending time with your friends or family?
____ Try to keep you from leaving after a fight or leave you somewhere after a fight to "teach you a lesson"?


Do you…
____ Sometimes feel scared of how your partner will act?
____ Constantly make excuses to other people for your partner's behavior?
____ Believe that you can help your partner change if only you changed something about yourself?
____ Try not to do anything that would cause conflict or make your partner angry?
____ Always do what your partner wants you to do instead of what you want?
____ Stay with your partner because you are afraid of what your partner would do if you broke-up?


If any of these are happening in your relationship, talk to someone. Without some help, the abuse will continue.

(Adapted from Reading and Teaching Teens to Stop Violence, Nebraska Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Coalition, Lincoln, NE).

I posted a plea for help and cannot find it

I don't know what city or state you live in not posted as I am sorry for this news..

Do check with the local abuse centers and women's shelters for some advice and help.  

good luck and you can check my blog hit the horse avatar as I have listed some abuse centers in my blog

Starshine

it was just brought to my attenstion that my brother and sister in law have been having problems.  and now i found out that my sister in law confided in my mother and told her that my brother hit her the other day.  I dont know the whole story yet and havent spoken to my sister in law this is just what i was told by my mother.  My sister in law didnt want my mom to tell anyone but my mom had to tell me and now i dont know how approach the situation but i can not just sit back and let this happen to her.  he is my brother and i love him but i can not condone this behavior in anyway.  she is scared to do anything because he is a very powerful man in our community and has many confidants in the police department and the judicial system.  she is afraid that if she leaves him he will take their kids away from her.  I just need to know if there is any advise you may have on how I could proceed with getting her help.

So agreed Jenny, it is a disease. From spouse abuse to child abuse-it seems to running loose in America. I think a lot of it has to do with the way our society is set up. Capitalism almost promotes abuse, in many ways.

I'm a survivor and I can tell you it began with my upbringing. It began with the way I was parented. And yes, I've done my share of counseling but no amount of counseling ever takes it away. We live with it daily as survivors, that is what makes us strong.

I'm not sure what you want to discuss on this topic but it's a good one.

I will say that in the most recent years journaling has helped me tremendously in dealing with it. If I have a bad memory I journal it and then can let it go. Of course, I've also been practicing meditation for the last 10 years which has helped me tremendously as well.

I suppose the one thing we can all remember is that no matter what we've been through we survived. We are who we are, and we can move on.

You answered your own question.

"I always end up in the position of having to help them. "

IMHO, most women have an innate NEED to help those less fortunate than them. Especially women who have a history of abuse. We want to fix things and make everyone better.The problem is:

  WE CANNOT HELP ANYONE UNTIL WE HELP OURSELVES.

I am guessing you have never been to counseling for abuse  - GO, GO NOW!  There are many programs for abuse survivors and even private counselors to help. You need to build up your self esteem and learn that you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity; not some doormat to be walked on; not to be used, abused, and thrown away.

YOU DESERVE BETTER - MUCH BETTER! 

If you want to help someone or something, volunteer. But do not pick up the strays you meet on the street or in the bars - they will only drag you down and suck the life out of you.

Start with the links below they should help. But, above all ,talk to a professional who can stop this cycle of abuse in your life, before you pass it on to your children. 

National domestic violence hotline 

http://www.ndvh.org/

National Coalition against Domestic Violence

http://www.ncadv.org/

Hi Jenny.  I agree with you about calling it a disease.  I have been through some really tough times with being battered physically and mentally by men throught my life.  I have been trying to take a deep look into my soul to try and figure out how I can make the vicious cycle stop.  It is extremely hard to break the cycle for sure.  The problem I realize I have that has been the most destructive to my life is that when I am dating a man and he hurts me physically or mentally, my initial reaction is to get the heck away from him and save myself because I don't deserve that kind of treatment.  If I end up leaving him and get my life back together it usually takes about a month or so that I seem to completely forget all of the bad things that that person did to me and its like I unconsciously completely forgive him and then I usually go back to him and it happens again ect...  I have noticed this pattern within myself that I do and it is unerving to me.  I just recently broke up with my boyfriend for about the 5th time now, who I have been seeing for two years.  I find myself thinking to myself of only the good things and how much I care for him and completely forgetting about all of the horrible things he has done to me.  I am fighting myself to not call him regardless of what I may be thinking of him at the moment and it is such a difficult thing to do.  It is just perplexing to me of how I keep going back.  It is like a disease or an addiction and it is an incredibly hard thing to stop from doing.  I guess I have to keep my mind off of him until all of the feeling fade away.  I am thinking about just going to the library and reading all of the literature I can get my hands on about abuse and keep my mind occupied.  Why do I always seem to find the men who have so many problems?  I always end up with the alcoholic or drug addict with a million self made problems and I always end up in the position of having to help them.  This has to stop!!  I know I'm not alone.  I was wondering what you have to say about this.